


hope the wound heals but it never does (it'll never be over)

by leeyumosaurus



Category: Little Mix (Band), One Direction (Band), Union J (Band), X Factor (UK) RPF, X Factor RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Crack, Drabble, F/M, Ficlet, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, M/M, TW: Weight stuff, Weight Issues, this kind of snowballed on me, very small amount of explicit language, whatever the hell you call these things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-09
Updated: 2014-04-09
Packaged: 2018-01-18 06:07:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1417916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leeyumosaurus/pseuds/leeyumosaurus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Crack!AU in which 1D doesn't exist,  Little Mix as they do right now IRL but are all single, Liam is one of the dancers on stage for Little Mix's tour, and George is just George.</p><p>Trigger warnings for weight stuff/body image/low self-esteem.</p>
            </blockquote>





	hope the wound heals but it never does (it'll never be over)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [xxcaribbean](https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxcaribbean/gifts).



> Title from Battle Scars by Lupe Fiasco & Guy Sebastian. Partially inspired by [this gif](http://24.media.tumblr.com/c21712ae4ed7dfe472d6de6cfdf6df54/tumblr_n3isjn9ovH1tqagpeo1_400.gif) & several things I've randomly seen floating around the internet about Jesy & the online community being awful sometimes, to put it lightly.
> 
> Weight issues (fat shaming, body image, "health" & dieting, etc.) are really close to my heart, and I know others who are also affected by them, so. No hate, please. At the same time, I have no idea if I've managed to do any of these things justice (this fic is unbetaed, so no one to blame but me), so if you feel that I've done a bad job, _please please_ drop me a line and let me know what I could do better. I really hope I'm not offending anyone, but seriously tell me if I am because it matters to me.
> 
> This was supposed to be a 300-word drabble but then feelings happened and also my conscience wouldn't actually let me write a Liam/non-Zayn pairing so this is what it turned into. Whoops.
> 
> With a huge amount of gratitude to [Noel](ao3.org/users/xxcaribbean) for our huge long painful conversations about weight-related stuff. Thank you. It means the world to me.

~*~*~

"AAAAAAND BREAK!" Little Mix's choreographer yelled, cutting the music off abruptly at the end of a very long 2-hour session of stage practice for their upcoming tour.  "Places in half an hour!"  The empty rows of seats gradually emerged from darkness as the hot stage lights were traded for a more even ambiance across the entire auditorium, and backup dancers got up to stretch, towel off sweaty bodies, horse around, and drink long gulps of water in the wings.  "Oh, and Jesy, could I have a word with you."  The last part was mouthed specifically at her, more quietly than any of them had ever heard him speak before.

Perrie and Jade had already hurried off somewhere, probably to catch a quick kip on the couch in the green room.  God only knew they had been up too early this morning working out and then trying to get all of the stupid dance moves right.  Leigh-Anne meandered by, seemingly engrossed in her phone already, but stopped in front of Jesy.  "Are you alright, love?  Do you want me to stay?"  Jesy shook her head, mustering up a wan smile.  "'m fine, don't worry about me."  Leigh-Anne patted her shoulder, leaned in for a quick hug, and trudged off backstage.

Jesy took hesitant steps down the stairs from the front of the stage toward the choreographer, who was now sitting in the front row with his headset off and around his neck chatting to the lights technicians and their manager.  All of them scattered quickly as soon as she arrived.  She could feel their stares prickling the back of her neck, and she knew that whatever the choreographer had to say wasn't going to be good.   _Do I look too tired?  Am I touching my hair too much?  Did I muck up that twisty move again?  Oh god, what is it?_ _  
_

"Sit down, love."  He motioned at the seat on his right, and she complied uneasily.  He looked uncomfortable, and a little pitying, as if he were trying to deal with a frightened caged animal.  Jesy's sense of foreboding increased, putting her on high alert despite the fact that she had only gotten about 6 hours of sleep the previous night and would have gladly slotted herself into Perrie and Jade's cuddle-nap during the break.

The choreographer stalled for a bit, looking increasingly squirmy as if he wasn't quite sure how to begin.  Finally, he took a deep breath and appeared to steel himself.  "Jesy, could I ask you..."  He trailed off, uncertain again.

"Yes?" she replied quickly, needing to hear whatever was going to come next.

He made a face.  "Could you...not sit on the dancer when you've got that one line in the song we just did?  He's strong, but he's not a big lad, and I don't want 'im to hurt 'imself."

Jesy wasn't sure whether to feel shocked, hurt, insulted, or just plain resigned.  Just when she thought it wasn't a problem anymore, just when she was beginning to think that the world could be ready to embrace the shape of her body as something beautiful on stage instead of continuing to cut her down with their nasty slurs like the kids in primary had, the shaming reared its ugly head again.

She felt herself nodding before she could properly think through everything, climbing up the steps to the stage hyperaware of the skirt that now felt too short and the top that wouldn't cover all of the pudge.  Dazedly making her way over to the dark nook where the curtains had been haphazardly tied back at stage right, she pulled out her phone, trying to appear busy while her insides felt shaken and sick.

Jesy didn't even realize she had been pacing until she bumped into one of the dancers and his water lurched and spilled onto her crop top and his black tank top.  "Oh my god, I'm so sorry!" a deep, melodic voice exclaimed.  "I totally wasn't watching where I was going, do you want me to take you back to wardrobe?  I'm so so sorry!"  Jesy wiped off her phone, which was mostly dry anyway, and looked up into a pair of dark brown eyes hidden under the shadow of the brim of a snapback.   _Shit, is that the dancer they just asked me not to sit on?_   Just her luck.  It was.

"No, 'm alright, thank you though."  Jesy flashed a smile quickly at the worried dancer.  "Are you sure?" the young man queried earnestly.  "I can w-"  "It's not a problem, quite hot onstage anyway, innit?"  She tried to make light of the situation, knowing that it wasn't really working.  She just wanted to get rid of this guy and have some time to herself.

He grinned, still hovering a bit.  "Well, alright, I'll be on m' way then.  Been a long day, yeah?"   _Funny, I was just thinking that._  "Yeah."  She tried to force another grin, but it was clear that her front wasn't very convincing.

"You look upset, love, is somethin' botherin' you?"  This time, his voice was pitched lower, but unlike the choreographer, the dancer waited until she made eye contact with him, and held her gaze.  His eyes were clear and free of judgment, and in that moment he seemed to radiate trust, but Jesy couldn't bring herself to say anything for fear of bursting into embarrassing tears on the spot.  How was she supposed to tell this stranger that this was only one more in a long series of micro- and macro-aggressions, that she should have been used to this by now, that for some unknown reason it was still getting to her even though she'd lived with this for almost her entire life?  She shook her head mutely, looking away from him.  She wasn't even sure who she was trying to persuade anymore - herself, or this dancer who wouldn't leave.

Turning in the opposite direction and leaning on the wall, Jesy felt moisture escape from the corners of her eyes.   _I wonder what it says about me that the first thing I'm thinking about is how thankful I am for waterproof mascara,_ she mused fleetingly.  Dashing the tears away quickly, she failed to stop a sniffle from escaping - and then she was full-on sobbing, unable to stop herself.

A pair of arms cocooned her to a warm, solid chest.  Clearly, the dancer had stuck around.  And great, now he was witnessing a humiliating emotional breakdown.  And she was getting his already damp top even wetter.   _Could things really be any worse?_

"Shhhhhh, it's alright, love, I've got you."  A whisper.  He was slowly swaying her back and forth, and for some reason, the motion was soothing enough to let her stop crying.  The swaying paused for a moment before he asked, "Is this about the choreographer?"

Jesy stiffened immediately and tried to wriggle out of the dancer's arms.  He held fast, with a wry smile - "I'm going to take that as a yes.  M'name's Liam, by the way."  When she gave him no indication that she had heard him at all, he continued to talk to her.  "I've got two older sisters, and they've been through breakups and failing tests and the lot, so I can tell that you don't want to talk to me right now, but something's definitely not right here.  's alright, but you need to talk to _someone_ about it if not me, because if you don't it will just eat you from the inside out."  Thankfully, he switched to lighter conversation topics quickly.  "I'm about a year younger than you, and as much as it's strange for someone my age to say this, I like your music.  And I really like your sense of style.  If I were a girl, I'd definitely dress like you."  Dancer boy, Liam, threw in a cheeky wink for good measure.

Trying to imagine Liam - who was very solid and most definitely masculine, with the chest hair to prove it - as a girl was simply too much for Jesy, and she giggled wetly into Liam's chest.

Liam's face brightened immediately when she looked up.  "Ah, there's a girl!"  He chucked her chin gently, making her giggle again.  "Watch your legs," he warned before hoisting her up bridal-style with the arm already at her back as leverage.  Jesy let out a rather girlish shriek at the sudden change and grabbed around Liam's shoulders immediately.  "Oh my god, what are you doing?  Are you mad?"

Liam only beamed down at her, the corners of his eyes crinkling adorably.  "Well, I'm going to find a nice, comfortable couch, and we're going to sit down and have a quick chat, because there was something bothering you, and I don't like seeing you sad, alright?"  Not taking no for an answer, Liam proceeded to pass several dressing rooms backstage before coming to wardrobe and sneaking in after confirming that no one was in the hallway looking for them.  "She's on break at the mo, she went out to get lunch so she won't be back for a while," he whispered conspiratorially in her ear.

Finally, she was deposited carefully onto the big fluffy couch in the back of the wardrobe room.  "Talk," Liam instructed.  "What's going on?"

Jesy swallowed.  She was definitely  _not_ ready to talk about this.  Liam sensed her hesitance.  "I promise, whatever you tell me won't leave my mouth.  I won't tell a single soul.  Cross my heart."  Jesy stretched out a pinky, and they linked fingers.  She let out a breath.  No turning back now.

"The choreographer told me not to sit on you in the last song we were doing onstage, because I weigh too much and he doesn't want you to get hurt."  After haltingly saying it out loud, Jesy wondered if it was stupid of her to be so worked up about this one small thing.  She watched several emotions flicker across Liam's face - confusion, sadness, anger, disdain - before he settled on disbelief.

"What?  What do you mean he doesn't want me to get hurt?  I'm not a bloody glass vase, and you're not a whale.  Oh, for fuckssakes!  I carried you all the way here, didn't I?!  And I'm still alive and well.  No broken bones, no sprained wrists, no pulled muscles, nothing!  This is literally the stupidest thing I've run into this year!"  Liam seemed to realize that he was more or less fuming at this point, and stopped to tamp down the rest of the rant at the tip of his tongue.  He kneeled in front of the couch.

"Jesy, look at me?"  She complied.  "You are a real woman, and you are beautiful.  Your voice is amazing, you have great stage presence, and you have really pretty eyes.  Anyone would be stupid not to see those things about you first.  How much you weigh has no bearing on who you choose to be as a person, d'you hear me?"  Liam had brought tears to her eyes.  Jesy couldn't remember the last time someone had been this kind to her about her weight.  She'd never really talked to the girls about it, because she figured they had enough to worry about on their own without her mucking everything up.  It was heartwarming to know that someone cared enough to say these things, to look out for her.

"Aw, bollocks, have I made you cry?  Please don't cry," Liam pleaded with her.  Jesy smiled - genuinely, this time - and took Liam's hand.  "Thank you for caring.  I'm not crying because I'm sad.  It's just - you're the first person who's been this attentive in a long time."

Liam rose and plopped himself down on the couch next to her, pulling her halfway into his lap for an impromptu cuddly hug.  He patted her back as she wiped her eyes on part of her sleeve and settled into the cuddle.

"I'm glad you're feeling better.  Now, let me tell you.  The choreographer is a twat."  Jesy burst out into surprised laughter at Liam's statement.  He frowned.  "What?  He's gone and spouted a load of nonsense, and I won't have that."

Liam peeked at his phone quickly.  "Break's almost over, so I'm going to give you a piggyback ride onto the stage, and we'll get coffee after rehearsal's over and talk some more, alright?  Don't worry about sitting on me or whatever - I can handle it.  And for the record, you're not fat or whatever everyone's been saying.  You don't feel heavy, in case you were wondering.  I really do think you're quite fit."  With a last wink, Liam rolled Jesy off his lap, stood up to leave the couch, and squatted in front of the couch cushion Jesy was occupying.

"Up, princess," he chuckled.  Jesy swung her arms around Liam's neck and waited for him to start getting up to find his waist with her thighs.  He tucked his palms under her legs, and together they began to maneuver carefully through the racks upon racks of clothing and costume changes before finally reaching the door, where Liam reminded Jesy to duck through the door frame.  Liam ran around the hallway making animal noises for several minutes until security came looking for Jesy from onstage.  Still holding onto Jesy, Liam dodged security, running past several guards, and found an alternate entrance to the backstage area.  He ran all the way up to where they were supposed to be onstage, and let her legs go gradually so that she wouldn't fall.

After Jesy was standing on her own completely, Liam spun around and pecked her forehead.  "Coffee later, alright?"  They smiled at each other, and got into position.  For Jesy, just knowing that one of the people she would be working the most closely with over the next few months was someone she could trust and talk to about anything was enough to comfort her and carry her through the rest of the tedious rehearsal.

~*~*~

Of course Jesy was _quite_ miffed when she went to get coffee with Liam after dinner with the girls and found out that he's gay upon meeting his ridiculously attractive boyfriend, Zayn, who should really be modeling with those pouty lips, cheekbones that could cut glass, and impeccable sense of style (and taste in boyfriends, might she add).  Liam wasn't even into her - he's apparently just a really kind person.  (Liam apologized profusely, cheeks reddened with several rounds of blushes, after he realized he had been leading her on.)  Jesy could appreciate that - albeit reluctantly, while the two whispered a bit to each other in line at the coffee shop, draped their arms over each other as they found a semicircular booth for the three of them, and kissed, grinning widely as they sat down, to share the taste of their drinks.

And she did, after Zayn, whose guarded glances she couldn't read at first, began to warm up to her.  After only a few minutes of casual banter, Liam lowered his voice and told her about his own experiences, gripping Zayn's hand tightly and stopping every so often to inhale and exhale shakily while Zayn rubbed Liam's back with his free hand and reminded him to breathe.  How no one picked him for teams when he was younger because he was chubby, how he took up running to slim down and then boxing to bulk up when the bullies still wouldn't leave him alone.  He leaned into the crook of Zayn's neck and took a gulp of air before admitting that, now that he'd gotten more followers on Twitter and Instagram because he would be dancing for Little Mix's tour, it had started up again - the fat shaming, fans calling him ugly, stupid, and everything in between.  (At this, Zayn frowned, eyes hard and bright with anger, one hand balled up into a fist like he wanted to hit everyone who had ever hurt Liam like this and the other still rubbing slow circles into Liam's back, and Jesy frowned with him, because in the few short hours she'd spent with him and Zayn, even she could tell that Liam was lovely and sweet and refreshingly honest and  _quite fit, thank you very much_ , and she had no idea why anyone would have anything negative to say about him.  She scooted the table away from the booth a little and moved over to wrap her arms around both of them because she didn't know what better to do besides group-hug it all out.  They stayed like that for a while, breathing each other's air, until one of the baristas came out of the back to tell them that the shop was closing for the night.)

They stumbled over thank-yous and goodbyes - Jesy was beyond grateful that someone she barely knew would trust her with a secret this close, and there were no apt words to express that.  All of them exchanged phone numbers before they left the shop, promising to call each other if they ever needed anything.  She hugged Zayn tight as they departed too - thankful that, for a person as wonderful as Liam, there was someone who recognized the good in him and who was willing to nurture him through the bad days, fight for him when he was kicked down, and help him learn to pull himself back up when he got hurt.  Secretly, she wished for a Zayn of her own, though it was tempered by the knowledge that with the tour so close it would be completely impractical were anything to happen - not to mention the fact that the chance of anything interesting happening to her romantically was pretty much zero anyway.

~*~*~

Only a few short minutes after she texted her car the address of the shop so she could get her emotionally drained self back to her flat and just sleep for a long while, she's on her way in the back seat when her phone buzzed with a text from  _Leeyum_ (she smirked - _boys are such children_ ) that read:

**_rmind me to intrduce you to mymate goerge, hes ace and i think youd get on rlly welllllll ;) xx_**

( _Also, boys were terrible with spelling._ )  A few seconds later:

_**heres his facebok**_

Followed by a link.  Half-asleep already, Jesy flipped through some of the photos absently until the car got to her building, and waved at their driver before taking the elevator up, shoving the key in the lock, shucking her boots, and diving into the covers into a peaceful slumber.

~*~*~

True to his word, Liam introduced her to a lanky boy with big hair who plays the guitar named George over lunch at Pret the following week.  And she and George hit it off - George with the messy hair and the baby face and the pinchable cheeks and the brilliant smile.  They went on a bunch of dates together during the month and a half she had left before tour and decided to try it out.

~*~*~

There's a night before tour when George makes dinner for her after one of their awfully long rehearsals, and cuddles her on the couch after some really delicious cheesecake, and she's almost slipped into a food coma in his lap after lazy, drugging kisses when he says, "I've got to tell you something."  He sounds so apprehensive that Jesy just about bolts upright, instantly wide awake, afraid he's going to break up with her and that this beautiful month of bliss is just going to hurt unbearably while she's on tour, when she notices that he's blinking back unshed tears in the low light and his hands are shaking.

As if he's afraid to say it out loud, to give the words their full power, George confesses that, when he was in secondary, he was clinically obese, and he was bullied too.  He admits that he still struggles with being happy with himself sometimes.  But then he says that it hurts him to see her going through what she goes through with all of the hate online, even if she doesn't ever tell him about it - he's noticed anyway.  They hold each other tight, and make slow, passionate love with the lights dimmed but still on for the first time.

Afterward, as their limbs are tangled together, too lazy to move to her bed, Jesy wonders about the old adage - that people who have been hurt before are always the kindest to others, because they never want anyone else to feel the same way they have - and that there are so many amazing people in her life who have been through so much but yet have mostly managed to stay positive.

 _Well_ , Jesy thinks,  _I got lucky.  We got lucky._   She knows it will never really go away for any of them - the pain, the shame, the insecurity, the anxiety and fear and dread, the sense of failure - but at least now, they have each other for support, despite the fact that she has no idea what she ever did to deserve these wonderful people around her - they can call each other and talk it out when things get rough, and half the time having someone to hold for a little while, a tangible "I'm here", wins half the battle.  They understand, and they all fight their own demons and help with each other's.  This is a war that can only be won a day at a time, and at least now there's hope in sight.

 

**Author's Note:**

> **A/N: Part of the reason I avoided pairing Jesy & Liam in this fic (aside from the fact that I love Ziam to death) was because I wanted to show that people of opposite genders can be very supportive of each other outside of a relationship/dating context. It seems to me that a lot of people believe that relationships are a panacea for problems in both people's lives - that finding your other half or having a significant other or whatever will make life better magically by itself, and there are a lot of misconceptions about how close 2 people can be without actually having relationshippy feelings for each other/being romantically attracted to each other. I guess I just wanted to express my frustration with that very narrow mindset through this fic a bit. Hope you enjoyed :)
> 
> Find me at [my main blog](leeyumosaurus.tumblr.com) (which is 99% Ziam - note that I don't actually ship any Little Mix x 1D pairs though I think Jesy & George are hella cute together :P) or [my writing blog](leeyumosaurus-writes.tumblr.com)!! Comments & inbox messages are love, and if you think I deserve a kudos, I'm honored ♥
> 
> In case you didn't know, Pret is basically European Starbucks (there's one on every corner) but with more food items (lots of sandwiches, salads, and yummy baked goods! one of my best friends is addicted to their almond croissants - I don't blame her, they're amazing).
> 
> Also, writing this fic began to hurt unexpectedly when I went digging for celebrity gossip and ended up finding out that almost all of my main characters, who are people in real life, got bullied for weight issues in school. Why are kids so damn cruel? :'(
> 
> I have a 10K+ fic I've been working on slowly but surely for the past year, and other loose ends in the works. Please please comment or drop me a line - I'm a beginning writer and I'm pretty sure I'm not any good at all (I don't even like my own writing style but I have no idea how to fix it), so let me know what I can work on! :)


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